Trish gets home in 7 hours and the apartment smells like beer. I can’t find the source either. I keep getting intoxicated everytime I breathe.
The sofa cushion has been ripped and there’s a picture frame that has the glass broken out of it. Unfortunately today, I am in no mood to be a domisticated engineer. I’m pretty sure the domisticated genes are housed in protruding breasts anyway. Could explain my laziness while I’m home?
Anyway….
I’m thinking of calling the police and reporting that my apartment has been burglarized.
What? That’d be a damn fine excuse and I’m pretty sure I can twist around to make it look like I’m some kind of hero.
“It was awful Trish. 3 drunk bastards came barging in here in masks and shit. I was loading the dishwasher when they rushed me. Tied me up and put me on the sofa where I used a fingernail file that I found in between the cushions to cut the rope, accidentally causing this rip, see it?
I finally freed myself and we fought, knocking this picture frame to the floor, see it?
It was rough baby, but being the manly man that I am, I took them on”
At this point in my telling of my heroism, she should be stripping off her clothes, don’t you think?
I got to go light some “smell good” candles and work on my excuse.
Ya’ll think she’s gonna buy it?
NOTE: The first few comments aren’t looking too good. If she ain’t gonna buy it, what in the hell do you suggest? And don’t say “The truth shall set you free”.
I don’t want to be single again…nbesides, we’ve already paid for our Vegas trip!
March 7, 2007 at 8:45 am |
Ya unless you have picture proof that this occurred I’m thinking she’s NOT gonna buy it but good luck with that good buddy lol
March 7, 2007 at 8:50 am |
i can vouch for ya slick, i was there and if those guys wernt so big i would have stayed to help but i had to go home and do the dishes and laundry.
March 7, 2007 at 9:05 am |
Is there a picture of Trish in the dictionary next to gullible? No? Then yeah she won’t buy it. Nice try though.
March 7, 2007 at 9:25 am |
I’m thinking, that she ain’t gonna buy that.
March 7, 2007 at 9:31 am |
Merry Maids wouldn’t come out on short notice, eh?
March 7, 2007 at 9:39 am |
hmmm…I really don’t think it will work. Come up with something else.
March 7, 2007 at 9:39 am |
blueyes-
I was physically assulted by 3 drunk bastards, I have no pictures. Just my sad sad tale.
E.-
Yeah, thanks for all your help buddy…asshole.
Reba-
You’re so helpful, NOT!
Dixie-
Any other thoughts?
Lynda-
Well, they won’t replace the sofa cushion or the picture frame.
March 7, 2007 at 9:40 am |
Shelli-
I’m under pressure here, help a buddy out?
March 7, 2007 at 9:58 am |
Ok, here’s what you do. Get a dog. ASAP. Dogs tear shit up. And they knock things over, thus breaking the picture frame. Make sure it’s cute as hell, and have a big bow on it when you get home.
Febreeze works great on smell too. If all else fails, go with the burglary story and get one of your buddies to come over there and slap you around a bit. So at least you have bruises & shit when she comes home.
That’s all I got.
March 7, 2007 at 9:59 am |
I hear duct tape fixes anything.
ALTHOUGH , you could duct tape yourself to a chair (pay a kid in the neighborhood to do it) and then when she walks in you’ll get pity sex. Win! Win!
Kids are cheap mine still work for a quarter.
Does Trish have any teddy bears or things with eyes? You should tear them apart and look for hidden cameras. Blame it on the robber.
Good Day!
March 7, 2007 at 10:15 am |
I don’t think Trish will buy your story. You’re gonna be in the doghouse for this one.
March 7, 2007 at 10:34 am |
I like the dog idea, or you could go for the sympathy thing. Umm, you had an allergic reaction to something in the home that caused you to have a violent reaction – seizures you know something of that nature. Or, you could not be in the apartment when she gets home come in five minutes behind her and act as appalled as she – that is when she sees the apartment? Really, it’s too early for my brain to think this hard.
March 7, 2007 at 10:39 am |
Okay….here’s what you really do….go to the dollar store and buy a frame in the size you need, next find some matching thread and attempt to sew the cushion, if it rips out later, you can claim ignorance! Buy some Febreeze and spray it on the furniture and anywhere else you think the beer might have spilled…..that should take care of it! Good luck!!! (Let me know)
March 7, 2007 at 10:41 am |
go to work and by the time you get home she should be over it, and if not being single really wasnt that bad you got to play golf everyday and hang out with your buddys or buddy…. but anyways a woman will belive anything remember she said yes.
March 7, 2007 at 10:43 am |
you are in soooooooooooooooo much trouble. LOL…………good luck. you are in Atlanta??? fill me in, besides the aquarium, what else???
March 7, 2007 at 11:20 am |
Give yourself a black eye and a few lacerations to make the story believable. What ever you do, do not stage your own abduction. I don’t want to see you on the news with a towel over your head as they cart you back home in shame.
March 7, 2007 at 11:23 am |
Julie-
A freakin’ genius idea! Unfortunately, Trish is allergic to dogs. I’m in trouble ain’t I?
BID-
Hhhmm…all the kids are in school and she’ll be home before they get out!
Amy-
Well, don’t just stand there…help me!!
River Rat-
I like that idea about getting home 5 minutes behind her. Hell, I might have to use it
I-Mom-
Now wait a minute…you want me to go shopping and do some sewing? Oh hell nawww. Come on, Moms have all the answers! Except that answer of course
E.-
Oh man…yeaaah, I remember golfing everyday and hanging out all the time. Quit dude, I’m trying to act responsible here
Jodes-
Hell, you’re just standing there too! I need some collective wisdom.
Depends on when you get into town, Six Flags maybe open. Tons of stuff to do in Atlanta. Might want to try the Punchline one night, hilarious comedians.
March 7, 2007 at 11:26 am |
Mist-
That won’t work. I’d never even think about hitting anyone, except the ex. Wait a minute, I’d get some TV time?
March 7, 2007 at 11:32 am |
I’m pretty sure you’re plan is doomed to failure, Slick. I personally like Mist’s suggestion. Though I think it’d be interesting to see you on the news.
March 7, 2007 at 11:56 am |
The dog idea was genius!! I say it could still work but just BORROW a friends dog and claim ignornace that she is allergic and then you can give the dog back. I see win win all over that one LOL
Too bad you arent closer you could borrrow the demon greyhound! She is cute and you could say you saved her from the racing circiut where she was mistreated! Trish would love that! And while she is busy sneezing and coughing she wont be able to smell the beer smell!
I am a genius hahaha
March 7, 2007 at 12:06 pm |
Awww…I forgot when it snows here it doesn’t mean that it snows everywhere….I have housework to do now ……
March 7, 2007 at 12:07 pm |
The OTHER Trish
My dad used to say, “If something isn’t moving, and it’s supposed to, use WD40. If it moves and it’s not supposed to, use duct tape.” Can’t you duct tape the frame and sofa cushion? I hear it comes in all sorts of colours now.
Good luck!
Moron.
March 7, 2007 at 12:22 pm |
Weren’t the boys over yesterday? Blame it on the kids…that’s what they’re there for.
Oh, and BTW I kept smelling a strong stale-beer odor in my house one time…figured out it was the Glade candle. It smelled like shit. So, if it still reeks, blame it on the candles too.
March 7, 2007 at 12:46 pm |
Alright this is whatcha do…when your lovely walks in the door do this ….now write this down so you remember, mmkay? Ok, now be sitting on the couch where the hole is and have a beer in your lap. When she comes through the door jump up and pretend to be excited and say somethin’ like “shit, I just spilled my beer” and in all your haste you somehow managed to put a hole in the couch…if you do this right and jump her as she’s walking through the door and rip her clothes off she won’t really pay attention to the funky beer smell OR the hole in the couch because she will think “Whoa! He missed me!” and then y’know…go do that one thing that people in love do..OH! I have another idea….do what Honey does to me all the time…have her sit on the couch and then when she gets up ask her what she did to the couch because now it’s broken. She’ll look at you stupid and then you could ask her to get you a beer and the remote out of the homo milk in the bedroom and all will be right in the world.
March 7, 2007 at 12:56 pm |
You’d better tell the truth. She’ll be alot less angrier than she will if you get caught filing a false police report. You don’t want that to happen.
March 7, 2007 at 1:20 pm |
I reckon she knows you well enough so don’t go trying to pull the wool over her eyes!
March 7, 2007 at 1:33 pm |
Just hand her a beer, tell her she was missed and then go screw her brains out.
works for me.
March 7, 2007 at 2:09 pm |
Ummm yeah, you’re in trouble. Unless you want to poke her in the eyes when she walks in the door. And then she’ll stumble around and then you could say that SHE broke the stuff.
Better not, she’d probably never screw you again if you poked her in the eyes.
March 7, 2007 at 4:33 pm |
Can you feign short-term memory loss?
March 7, 2007 at 5:35 pm |
May I suggest you find your apron and your febreeze and get your rear in gear and clean up that house before she gets home. You might also consider a slipcover for the couch or chair you ruined. That will hide the rip. Just make sure it’s a color that either matches the other furniture not something that clashes.
Best of luck to you on this one… I think you are scrwd.
LBC
March 7, 2007 at 7:17 pm |
Don’t have any close, personal friends that are into arson, do ya? LOL
Good luck!
March 7, 2007 at 9:22 pm |
heh… you are screwed
March 7, 2007 at 9:39 pm |
Microwave a banana. It is a great masker of scents :E
I bet if you turn around the pillow and remove the glass from the frame, she won’t notice it’s gone. My parents never did. *innocent*
March 8, 2007 at 12:21 am |
Hmmm could you tell her that you missed her so much you just lay around having a pity party trying to drink away your loneliness? And you broke the picture frame crushing her picture to your chest which was racked with sobs? Of course if it’s not a picture of her, that won’t work, and I can’t come up with a good explanation for the sofa, unless you were trying to slit your wrists, but being drunk you missed. Or throw her down on the sofa and have wild monkey sex and then act surprised when you see the rip and claim it must have happened during the passion.
Whoever thought to microwave a banana? I feel compelled to try that now.
I hope you at least cleaned the sticky remote.
March 8, 2007 at 1:17 am |
Something tells me she knows what to expect. So you guys are going to Vegas???? Us too!!!! See you there!
March 8, 2007 at 6:26 am |
Where’re are the nudey pics????
March 8, 2007 at 2:41 pm |
BOY, you’d better get off your ass and find that spilt beer. If you clean that smell, you might be able to get out of a cussing for the other things you fucked up while she was gone. BTW, why can’t us women be gone for even a day without you men destroying the freaking house??? Last time I left Hubby home alone for a few hours to go shopping, he knocked shelves off the wall and broke things all over the house. His excuse: trying to kill a wasp that flew inside. Yeah right!
March 8, 2007 at 9:35 pm |
hhmmmmmm I’m thinking you should …well ummm….no that won’t work either……crap!!!
I just don’t know what you should do. what ever you decided, I hope it went well and you used the girly scented candles!!!
March 9, 2007 at 3:27 pm |
Febreeze baby! And um yeah what peebugg said about scented candles. Soft lighting and sweet smelling. Hope you two are still on your way to Vegas.
March 9, 2007 at 4:33 pm |
febreeze and honesty.
best wishes slick.