You Make The Call….

Today I’d like to discuss a hot topic between me and Trish. Uh, Trish and I. Maybe Trish and myself…what the hell ever. Anyway, we’ve gone round and round about this and today folks, I’m asking for your advice….well, your opinions. Not your advice because I’m mostly always right but sometimes I get led astray.

We won’t get into my sexual life though.

Where was I? Oh yeah…your opinion on the matter of self confidence or arrogance.

If, 5 minutes into the game (any game) that we play, I say “You can go ahead and quit, I’ve already won the game“…would that be considered self confident or arrogant?

When I’m winning any game, I taunt, tease, and say remarks involving words like “loser”, “you suck“, or “where’s ya damn brain at“….you consider that self confident or arrogant?

Just because I’m self confident doesn’t make me a poor winner. I already know I’m a sore loser, as evidenced by the string of profanities I occasionally blurt out.

All I want to know…is where in the hell is that fine line between self confidence and arrogance because the only way I know I’ve crossed it is when I have to start dodging dice and watching the Monopoly money strewn about the living room floor.

Oh and by the way, for those of you who were curious about my 3 cellphones….Trish works for one of the companies so I get free service with one And the other service, most of my buddies are on, so I practically get free minutes either way.

And The OTHER Trish? Canada is good for fur coat exports. It’s a good country to have around for a few purposes anyway.

Somebody Explain….

After working 12 hours last night, I climbed off the engine, started torward my car, and zipped my jacket up real quick.

This is the south. Georgia sits right on top of Florida so what’s it doing getting 22 degrees here?

Somebody needs to remind the Man above of this fact.

If I wanted cold, I’d move to Michigan…or worse, Canada, the frozen tundra. I’ve seen that place on the National Geographic channel…it’s all ice.

Hell, I don’t even know what street Canada is on anyway.

Danette tagged me. I don’t normally do these “me-me’s” but today, I have nothing to write about seeing as how it’s only 46 degrees now and I’m afraid the cable outside that gives me internet is about to freeze up.

6 weird things about me:

1.  Reese’s Peanutbutter Cups give me heartburn.

2.  I have 3 cellphones. One is Verizon and the other 2 are Cingular.

3. I seldom ever drink alcohol. I know, not weird but given my reputation, I thought you bastards folks should know.

4. I absolutely hate water rides at amusement parks.

5. I’m running out shit to write about.

6. I hate “sleeping in” on my off-days. Even when I have nothing to do, I’m ready to get up and get the day started.

That’s it. That was hard work. You owe me Danette.

Trish and I are going to go eat a mexican tonight…I meant going to eat mexican and then it’s off to work I go again.

Ya’ll be safe and keep those private parts bundled up. It’s mighty cold out there.

Wow….

I never envisioned being attacked by a horde of ladies screaming about my comparisons to a doctor visit.

Let’s not let my opinion do any harm to our blogging relationship.

Because trust me, I’m always right.

I may not be able to have a baby through my penis, and I don’t have the pleasure of constant bleeding for 5 days but us menfolk go through some shit too. It ain’t easy, let me tell you.

We have to get haircuts all the damn time, shave our faces, and fix shit. We have to get the Christmas tree out of storage every year too.

Look, I don’t want to keep comparing because all we’ll do is argue. So, in good faith…I’d like to call a truce.

I will be nice to ya’ll if ya’ll will be nice to me. Deal?

And just to show my sincerity, I have made a little video about the proper way to make a “Happy Meal”.

Ok, I have to go take out the trash now, another manly job!

Poked and Prodded….

Every 3 years, the company subjects it’s employees to physical examinations, urine tests, and all that other shit.

Today was my day.

I drank 2 bottles of water on the way there so that I would have no problem supplying them with fine quality urine.

I walk in the door, sign the little clipboard thing, and sat down to wait.

15 minutes and I can feel my bladder pressing down on my liver. Or whatever. I’m not bright with the correct anatomical placement inside the human body. All I know is that it was getting full.

30 minutes and I’m sitting cross legged like a female in middle of the waiting room. 2 guys winked at me.

Finally, after an hour and 10 minutes, a cute little nurse escorts me to the back. She hands me a little cup and I commence to filling it up. Not in front of her because I’m almost a married man.

After we complete that, I take my hearing test and my vision test. She then leads to me to another small room, hands me a gown, and tells me to get undressed and cover up with the gown.

20 minutes later, the doctor walks in.

He looks in my ears, asks me about my hearing loss, checks my eyes, and then asks me to lift up my gown to expose my crotchal regions.

He sits there for a second or so…then remarks “I didn’t realize it was that cold in here”

And women think they have it rough at the doctor??

Sex Tip #1….

First off, I hope all you bastards had a fun-filled and relaxing weekend while I was out there moving your purchases from one city to another.

That’s how I am, all thoughtful and shit.

If I start whining, I’ll never quit…so let’s move along.

Sex tip #1

Remember I’m thoughful and shit? Well, just for you dear readers, all 3 million of you, I am about to reveal a big secret. Sexually speaking that is.

No, it’s not a picture of my crotchal regions either. I doubt any of you have your hard drive hooked up to a 52″ monitor.

Have you ever heard of a man with a fetish for hair? Me either.

A foot fetish, stocking fetish, all kinds of sick and disgusting fetishes. But no hair fetish. I’m sure there are some out there but who will admit to loving something like this?

See? Shave that shit off.

My Bra Size Is….

Yesterday, with spatula in hand, I tackled the mess in the freezer from the exploded Dr. Pepper can.

Today, I’m cleaning the toilet.

I’ll either get laid BIG time or I’ll catch some kind of disease. Trish is starting to complain about having to take a shower everytime she uses the toilet.

I don’t know….looks fine to me.

Traveling out of town today, I hope! (If work calls that is)

Maybe I’ll see you bastards Friday.

Won’t You Play With Me?

I woke up this morning naked, a sock on my right foot, Mardi Gras beads around my neck, and my “Top Flite” golfing sun visor on my head.

Turned over and looked at Trish. She looked so sweet in her cotton pajamas and that little pink twisty thing holding her hair up but unfortunately, I wasn’t in a playful mood.

I tapped her on the shoulder….

She turned to face me….

“IF YOU HIT SNOOZE ONE MORE DAMN TIME!”

I’m getting another unwanted day off work today. Too many train crews and not enough trains. Guess I’ll go flirt with the silver headed ladies at the library, hang out in the golf aisle at Wal Mart for a bit, and rummage through Trisha’s panty drawer again.

Yep, a full day planned.

NOTE: Interview submissions start today. If you’re brave enough, that is. I’m going to start an “Interviews” page next week. You can always plead the 5th to any questions, except you goofy Canadians. I’ve always wanted to be Morley Safer. Let me know, along with your email, if you’re interested. I’m looking for gullible willing participants.

I’m So Damn Mean….

I subjected my kids to one of those scary mazes. You know, where you do a maze with your mouse and while you’re in deep concentration, a scary picture jumps out and scares the living shit out of you. Know what I’m talking about?

Well, I filmed their reactions with the webcam and believe me, it’s funny. Before you bastards call social services on me, my kids have forgiven me. So all is well that ends well.

Hopefully.

And that last part with Trisha? I think she was talking about I accidently left another can Dr. Pepper in the freezer.

Yeah, it exploded.

Anyway….here’s the video. Enjoy.

Hopefully your weekend was as fun as mine. If not, don’t be all jealous and shit.

We Just Don’t See Eye To Eye….

Like all heterosexual couples, Trish and I occasionally don’t see eye to eye when it comes to certain subjects or situations.

Movies for instance, if it doesn’t show someone running around with a machete in one hand, someone’s head in the other, and a bottle of Jack Daniels in his pocket….I don’t want to watch it.

Note: An exception to the rule is made if the movie involves cleavage or female nakedness.

Trish wants watch movies where a couple always gets together at the end, no one dies, and there seems to always be a scene with a wedding involved. In other words, sissy movies.

Movies are just the start of our differences.

We have differences in how housework should be done and by whom, my smoking habit, and which towel I can use to clean myself up with after viewing my collection of internet pictures.

Wait….not that last one. Act like you read nothing, please.

See? Now I’m in trouble.

You know, to hell with it…I run this shit. I’m the “King of my Castle”. I do what I want, when I want, and how I want.

I might be in a little trouble now. Can you tell I just came in from work where there were nothing but trains and males?

Still though….I know who wears the pants in this relationship, all day long every day.

I do!

Hers are in the dryer waiting for me to fold and iron them.

Off this weekend and I got my kiddos, pray for me!

It Still Stands True….

I found this post on my old site and as I was reading it, all I could do was nod my head and scream “Amen brotha”. I wrote it in 2005, I think….and it still stands true today.

I should be immortalized for this post alone…..here it goes.

 “What do women want?

It’s an age old question that I’m about to tackle. I know you’re saying “uh oh” but don’t worry, I’ve done my research. I’m about to educate you and I’ll ask for nothing in return. I’m southern and us southerners are “giving” people. Let this be a lesson for you.

What women want is love, appreciation, and time. They want to be held, romanced, and “courted”. They want to hear how nice they look every once in awhile and how small their asses look in the jeans they wear.

They want their birthdays, anniversaries, and other special dates to be remembered without having to do the reminding.

In conclusion, it’s actually not a lot to ask for….

As long as it’s being asked of another female.

Perhaps that’s why lesbian relationships last so much longer?

Just my thought.”

Never say I haven’t ever gave you anything.

I’ll see you guys Friday and make sure to hide your porn magazines from your kids.