Men And Domesticated Chores….

I have no patience for domesticated chores…but I did some today. All I need now are protruding breasts, curlers in my hair, and an apron with something “girlish-like” stenciled on the front of it.

Can I tell you bastards folks what I did today?

Well, I’m going to. I need a pat on the back…you know, some kind of praise. Men are like that. We neeeeed to brag about this shit. So, appease me please.

I washed 2 loads of clothes, folded 3 loads, and emptied and refilled the dishwasher. I cleaned the kitchen table off, took my kid’s clothes back to their Mom, and masturbated to Nelly Furtado’s video of “Promiscous Girl”.

Wait…that last one isn’t being very domesticated. Let’s scratch that one off the list. Even minusing that one, I have done an awesome job today if I don’t say so myself.

See what all I can accomplish when I set my mind to it?

Oh, by the way Trish? I knocked off some of your sweaters and blouses and shit off the hangars. I threw them in a neat pile by the closet door.

And yes, I put all of your thongs back in their proper places this time.

Begging and Pleading….

Yesterday, after finding out she got engaged the night before, Trisha’s boss let her come home early. It was an awfully nice gesture but Trisha, being the sneaky devil she is, decided not to let me know.

At approximately 12:04 p.m, while sitting in front of the XBox in my maroon colored boxer briefs and my UFC tshirt eating a big bowl of Fruity Pebbles, she sauntered by the bedroom.

Although I was engrossed in “Enter the Matrix, Path of Neo”, I did happen to notice her shadow.

“Son of a…. “ I thought.

Then my mind started racing….

“The laundry I promised I’d switch out when she left for work this morning still wasn’t done, the M&M’s I spilled all over the kitchen table were still there,  and I haven’t even flushed the toilet yet. I still had her undergarments littering the bed, where I covered myself with them this morning….how the hell am I going to explain that??”

I was in denial until that moment…

Come clean Mike…that’s all you can do Bud.

I walked up to Trish who, by this time, was standing in front of the kitchen table no doubt admiring my handiwork with the M&M bag and with a sad voice proceeded to spill the contents of my heart to her…

“Trisha babe, it’s not what it looks like. I’m not in love with the XBox but I think…

I think…

I’m addicted. I need your help.”

With this…she gave me a nice and gentle hug.

“I’m here for you baby” she whispered into my ear…

She’s hid my controllers under the guise of “supporting me”.

Yeah, it’s going to be an exciting marriage.

Last Night….

The hostess at our all time favorite mexican restaurant showed us to our regular table. We patron this particular place every Monday night. Nothing out of the ordinary.

“Shoot, I left something in the car” I said, as I got up and started making my way to the door.

I grabbed the “supplies” from the trunk.

I made my way back inside, where the hostess stopped me and made some kind of little excited gesture.

I slipped my cell phone number in her apron and gave her a wink.

Focused my attention on the subject at hand….

Smoothly walked over to our table….

Roses in one hand and “you know what” in the other….

Got down one knee in front of God and everyone and asked the most important question in two people’s lives….

“Trish, will you go steady with me?”

HA!

Suckers.

You know the question….

And her answer?

 

YES!!

Wish Me Luck….

I got nothing….I’m void of all meaningful thoughts. I have something very BIG going on tonight. Very, very, VERY BIG. I’ll fill you guys in tomorrow, after all is said and done.

I’m nervous.  Why? I don’t know. To be truthful, it’s time….it’s been time as a matter of fact.

Why did I procrastinate? Nerves maybe.

Nevertheless, the time is at hand. This evening will impact my life in ways I have yet to see but I am so looking forward to it.

I know I’m being cryptic….but it calls for it.

Wish me luck?

In the meantime, help with the debate Trish and I have been having…..

Do you call the thing with wheels that you push around in Wal Mart a buggy….or a basket??

A Crowded Aisle….

Trisha and I were perusing the hardware section of Wal Mart this evening when this shadow came out of nowhere. Everything went dark. All I could see was the reflection on the hammers and screwdrivers of the overhead lights.

Unaware of what was happening but knowing I had to act fast, I told Trish to hang on to my belt loop so we wouldn’t get seperated.

After I had taken care of the basic survival steps, I turned my focus to the source of the problem.

Folks, it was a damn monster.

I swear, it was a man so large, I’m sure God couldn’t even lift his spirits. He was popping biscuits in his mouth like they were Tic Tacs.

And the body hair…Oh my God…

I think it’d be a safe bet to say he was a “stand in” in the movie “Gorillas of the Midst”.

For crying outloud, he was wearing a hula hoop for a pinkie ring.

Thankfully he let us squeeze by without any harm.

I’m working all weekend but I hope you lazy people are enjoying yours…blah, blah, blah.

What Did I Say??

I walked into the living room and my girlfriend was watching some reality program that was showing some kind of beauty contest being held at a Hooters restaraunt.

Stopped me dead in my tracks….strike one. See, I know where I screwed up here. I should’ve just non chalantly kept walking and sit down to watch…but no, I had to stop mid stride and watch the screen. See, stopping in midstride like that shows interest….and one doesn’t want to show interest when there’s opposite sex in bikinis on TV when the better half is nearby.

So…like any other dumbass male, I tried to play it off…

“Wow, what porn movie is this?” I asked jokingly…

She just looked at me for a second before directing her glare back to the TV. She’s not in a joking mood so perhaps that was strike two? By this point, I don’t have a damn clue how many strikes I have. I’m just standing at home plate with a bat in my hands all confused and shit…anyway….

I’ll turn this around, make her love me and shit…

“I like that brunette’s swimsuit right there. It’s quite revealing. You know what? I think you’d look awesome in it!”

She just glared at me again….I’m thinking that’s 3 strikes or 4, hell if I know, but she hasn’t hit me yet so I guess I’m still on the safe side, right?

Remember, I’m a dumbass male.

But I’m a sensitive manly dumbass male. I sensed what her problem was….

“Look babe, don’t let those women intimidate you. You have a beautiful smile and I love your attitude, ok?”

I was being sensitive and caring but somehow I managed to gather what felt like 20 strikes in less than 3 minutes.

Women are so freakin’ moody.